I want to tell when people ask what is wrong. I want to be transparent because the secret is killing me. But when I do not hide it and I say the words “I have an eating disorder” most of the time I am met by silence and I begin in that moment to regret I even dared to open my mouth. In that moment it feels like it really is my deepest darkest most dirtiest secret.
And I want to implode. I want to hide in shame. I want to simply stop breathing. I cannot think of any other thing to do. Why do I even try. I feel like my heart could stop beating at this moment. And I want so badly for it to.